the joshschuler experiment

Ok, so I’ve thinking about this for a while.

As a church, we’ve been working through a series of teachings called “i DO want a new marriage.” These teachings are in response to the overwhelming need for help, restoration, and reconciliation of marital relationships in our community.

One of the questions we have to ask is why do relationships get sideways in the first place, and what can be done to correct this. The answer to why/how relationships get sideways and how they are brought back into balance is what I call embracing a trinitarian-based view of relationships vs a transaction-based view of relationships.

The transaction-based view of relationships comes very natural to us. It goes something like this….

“I watched the kids all day so he/she owes me some time to do what I want”

“He/she went out with some co-workers for lunch and I didn’t get to, so you owe me the opportunity to do the same”

or how about

“I did this ________ (insert chosen act of service) so I expect that sometime in the future you are going to reciprocate!”

If we were really honest, we would see that a transaction-based view of relationships is really about the selfish desires of the individual, and acts of service to the other are really used to accrue debt to be called in at some point in the future.

The transaction-based view of relationships comes very easy to us. For some, it is like breathing. We don’t even have to plot or plan before we start keeping score, and if the score gets too high the indebted person either pays up or faces wrath.

Now, let’s contrast this with a trinitarian-based view of relationships.

Within the trinitarian relationship of God the Father, God the Son, & God the Spirit, we find there is no score card. There are no transactions. You don’t hear Jesus say or think, “I’m only doing this for the Father right now so that I will get mine in the future.” Instead you hear him say things like, “Father, though the world does not know you, I know you, and they know that you have sent me. I have made you known to them and will continue to make you known in order that the love you have for me may be in them and that I myself may be in them.”

Each member of the trinity desires to glorify (accurately represent the nature of) the other. Each is eternally self giving to the other. There is no score card. Each member does not glorify the other out of a desire to receive some reward. No, each member gives selflessly to the other out of love for one another, and out of trust in the love of the other. The members of the trinity give so selflessly because they want to share the knowledge of, and experience of, that love with all of humanity.

To adapt this trinitarian-based view of relationships requires a complete reboot and reformat in our thinking (you might even say a “repentance”). We live in a transaction-based world. We work jobs so that we receive payment. We employ marketing to initiate and facilitate exchanges which we will only act on if we believe the value to be gained is equal to, or greater than, the cost it requires to acquire the good or service. We even help people so that we can call on them when we need help. We deny help to people because they may never be able to repay us. Consider whether you have ever been invited over to dinner at someone’s house, and upon leaving, you immediately begin thinking that you are now indebted to that person to return the favor? These are all examples of transaction based views. I know that I have fallen victim to these all too often. Completely resting in the love of another, and endlessly giving love without the expectation of return is risky.

What would happen if we abandoned transaction-based views of life for trinitarian-based ones? Perhaps we would actually have to rest in the love of our spouses and loved ones. Perhaps we would learn to love people with no strings attached. Perhaps we would exhibit a view of relationships that those around us would not understand and the would be compelled to find the source. Perhaps we might actually begin to comprehend unconditional love.

May we all pursue the trinity, and leave behind the transactions.